The Man Who Cried Wasp

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Vision Vancouver political pin up and Mayor Carcetti look-a-like, Gregor Robertson has teamed up with zeitgeist alchemist, Douglas Coupland to come up with a scheme to improve the cellphone and wifi coverage in Greater Vancouver.

The initiative involves placing mini signal transmitters within posts on the street, enabling users to move from system to system seamlessly throughout the city in an attempt to move Vancouver up onto the same level of connectivity that the most advanced European cities currently enjoy.

However the proposed scheme follows a recent study which suggests that the demise of bee colonies (Colony Collapse Disorder) could be due in large part to the increased use of mobile and wireless frequencies, which are believed to confuse the beeʼs navigation system very much in the same way that advanced naval sonar fucks with whales. And although it is accepted that a combination of factors are being held responsible for the staggering decline in numbers, it must surely pose a dilemma for the mayor, green activist and avid amateur beekeeper, Robertson 36-24-38.

Alarmingly most adults in Canada continue in failing to differentiate between a bee and a wasp, calling anything that looks a bit like a bee, a bee. And when stung by such an insect will exclaim: ‘Uurgh, Iʼve been bitten by a bee!’ When in reality they have just been stung by a wasp. And whilst there are initiatives, both federal and local, to create bee friendly environments in cities and raise awareness of their plight in the face of diminishing populations, we couldnʼt help but notice that it might be best to begin by teaching people the fundamental differences between a bee and a fucking wasp.

We started by asking Mayor Robertson whether he thought there was a conflict of interest in these two projects, “No, definitely not”. Robertson affirmed that the bees are his friend, having sponsored a number of colonies in the Fraser Valley that had previously been forced to work for Hellʼs Angel gangs in return for small amounts of sugary water. And was absolutely adamant that he has no intention of driving a six lane highway through a bee colony, even if he did discover that they hadnʼt voted for him.

Some would consider this whole situation as ironic, for it was whilst Gregor Robertson was farming in New Zealand that he claims he first heard the voice of bees telling him to return to Vancouver and get involved in politics. We put it to him that heʼd merely taken the story of Dick Whittington and put bees in it, which he strongly refuted.

“No” he said, “I was walking out of town with all my possessions tied up in a small cotton hankie and stuck on the end of a stick, when I was confronted by a swarm of bees that blocked my path and distinctly heard them say, ‘Turn again pretty boy, you will be mayor of Vancouver’.What could I do? When 350 bees talk to you and all say the same thing, you canʼt argue with that, thatʼd be like fuckinʼ with nature, an’ nature be real an’ shit dude.”

Whether they really were bees, or just wasps pissing about and pretending to be bees, weʼll never know, as he was never bitten in the story he told us.

Douglas Coupland was unavailable for comment. Or to be more precisely, his wife told us to “Piss off!” and said that if we damaged his hog, sheʼd set the Alpacas on us.

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